Story: 1000 Ways to (Not) Die

Way to Not Die Number 118: 
Say that you're on a relaxing flight to San Francisco one early Friday morning, drifting off to sleep and dreaming about the amount of cocktails that you will be consuming on the beach when you arrive, when suddenly, you're rudely awakened by the $12 Vodka Tonic spilling on your lap. You immediately look around trying to place blame, when you realize that the plane is actually going down, and you're experiencing aggressive turbulence. What do you do? Do you accept your fate and attempt to drink all the mini-bottles in the gradual decline? Or do you figure out how not to die?

Here's what you do: reach up into the overhead bin and pull out all the tacky tourist shirts you can, and tie them together to make a parachute. Then, pull out all the masks from above your neighbors and attach them to your parachute to hold onto. Then, kick out your window and drift nicely to safety. This way, you can still make it to your vacation, and you don't have to worry about getting a cab to pick you up from the airport!


Way to Not Die Number 428:
Pretend that it's a late Sunday night, and you're up studying for your Calculus midterm in your dorm with your roommate fast asleep, snoring away, when suddenly, the fire alarms start blaring. You fling open your dorm room door and see that the fire is coming from both sides of the hallway, so you can't escape that way. You're on the 23rd floor, too, so jumping is not a viable option here. So, what do you do? Do you accept your fate and come clean to your roommate about eating their food all semester? Or do you figure out how not to die?

Here's what you do: Start pulling out all your roommate's water bottles from your mini fridge and start pouring them on the fire by your door until you can clear a path to the community bathroom. Then, start shoving all your month-old dirty laundry down the pipes until you flood the bathroom. Grab the empty Sonic cups in your room and scoop up the water and throw it on the rest of the fire. Then, you still have time to study and ace your midterm!


Way to Not Die Number 538:
So you've been looking forward to this trip to Six Flags for months now, and you've finally gotten there and spent $120 on the ticket and parking and a plain hot dog. You're finally getting to ride the 'Superman' after a three hour wait in line in the 110 degree weather. In all this excitement, in the middle of the ride, you didn't even notice that you weren't buckled in, and you've already taken off, shooting a mile into the air. The way up is a fine ride, but it won't be so graceful for you on the way down. Do you accept your fate and close your eyes and pretend that it's all part of the ride? Or do you figure out how not to die?

Here's what you do: Steal the inflatable beach ball from your sister next to you that she 'won' for $20 at one of the arcade games, and strap it around your waist with your shoelace. Then, when the timing and projection is right, kick off the seat and aim for the koi pond next to the ride. If you land correctly, then you can probably sue and own half the amusement park and return anytime that you want to!

Here's the 'Superman', with the pond in the bottom right.

(source)

I hope that you've learned many valuable ways to Not Die in this episode of "1000 Ways to Not Die"! Check back next week when we learn how to survive after being stranded on the Moon when the other astronauts and NASA forgets about you.



Author's Note:
This story was inspired from 'Jealous Uncle' from the Kodiak. In this story, the 'Unnatural Uncle' attempts to kill his nephew several ways, but to no avail. It was also inspired by the TV show '1000 Ways to Die' (which is ridiculous, by the way).

Bibliography:
From Jealous Uncle from the Tales of the North American Indians by Stith Thompson